Anybody have one-liners? I’m tired of reading epics.
I was also going to respond to Benson and tell him why I write the way I do, but I got exhausted flipping through my copy of ‘Grammar for dummies’ trying to figure out who to formulate sentences.
Terrible lawyer joke:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
An eccentric millionaire hosted a gala party at his palatial mansion and grounds. After a few hours, he led everyone to his grand swimming pool, in which there was a 20-foot shark. The millionaire says “I’ll give anyone who jumps into the pool everything I have.” No one moves.
All of a sudden a guy jumps in one end of the pool and starts swimming around FURIOUSLY, as the shark ties to catch him, repeatedly biting him all over his body. The guy makes it to the other end of the pool and LEAPS out, completely exhausted. The millionaire runs over to him and says, “That was amazing! What can I give you? Do you want my mansion?”
“No,” says the guy, still lying beside the pool, bleeding profusely and breathing heavily.
“Do you want my collection of classic cars? Or all of my money?
Please don’t get Biff started on the one-liners.
Take my wife…please.
I can’t remember jokes and never re-tell any.
Anybody have one-liners? I’m tired of reading epics.
I was also going to respond to Benson and tell him why I write the way I do, but I got exhausted flipping through my copy of ‘Grammar for dummies’ trying to figure out who to formulate sentences.
ENY – his wife!
Snappy – very funny!
Love it!
Terrible lawyer joke:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
An eccentric millionaire hosted a gala party at his palatial mansion and grounds. After a few hours, he led everyone to his grand swimming pool, in which there was a 20-foot shark. The millionaire says “I’ll give anyone who jumps into the pool everything I have.” No one moves.
All of a sudden a guy jumps in one end of the pool and starts swimming around FURIOUSLY, as the shark ties to catch him, repeatedly biting him all over his body. The guy makes it to the other end of the pool and LEAPS out, completely exhausted. The millionaire runs over to him and says, “That was amazing! What can I give you? Do you want my mansion?”
“No,” says the guy, still lying beside the pool, bleeding profusely and breathing heavily.
“Do you want my collection of classic cars? Or all of my money?
“No.”
“Well, what do you want??”
“I want to know who pushed me into the pool.”
I’m glad there are no gay hedge fund manager jokes>>>>>>>
I hate jokes!
I don’t know any good lawyer jokes that aren’t super old 🙁