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  1. Eff your elfie! Oatmeal is good for your heart, so it can’t be a heart attack that killed him. Just read the Quaker Oats box! That damn elf probably died just to screw me!! Even dead he’s costing me money! I’ve gotta run, I’ve gotta go read his contract and see if there are any loopholes I can find that allow me to cheap out on his wife’s benefits. Maybe that time I caught him drinking on the job will help. Yeah, yeah, it was the company holiday party, but it was during working hours!

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