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  1. i like to play a little game before every parade that takes place in NYC

    place your bets for

    stabbings:
    shootings:
    rapes:
    incidents of police brutality:

    my bets for this weekends parade are
    stabbings: 2
    shootings: 4
    rapes: 1
    incidents of police brutality: 2

    *rob*

  2. And I’ll throw away literally EVERYTHING. I’ll call up my kids and tell them I did my part by keeping all of their cute pictures in boxes for 50 goddamn years and now I’m done, they need to pick everything up and whatever is left over goes in the dumpster. I will live a blissful life owning basically a hammock, a regular supply of gin and tonic, cigarettes, and money. And a nice bathrobe.

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