It’s pretty much a no-brainer that if humanity ever morphs into a race of flesh-hungry zombies, they’ll come to Brooklyn first.
Even a zombie’s plebeian sensibilities will understand that Brooklyn’s artisanal taste and beautiful prewar housing stock make the borough a hotspot for eating people’s faces and then taking a relaxing staycation during the daylight hours in a stunningly remodeled sunless Park Slope basement.
Experts at the CDC recommend planning an evacuation route to get out of town, as even the most experienced Uber drivers are ill equipped to do battle with hordes of undead corpses.
For those who are unable to escape to a less-hot real estate market when the end comes, Brownstoner recommends the following Brooklyn locations to hide until you become infected, or Judgement Day (whichever comes first).
Criteria considered for qualifying locations include visibility, isolation and good local public schools, in case an antidote is ever found.
As well, it should be noted that this guide is most applicable in case of fast-moving, daylight-fearing, monster zombies akin to those depicted in I Am Legend. If zombies turn out to be the lethargic, grunt-moaning type, like in Shaun of the Dead, rates of survival are significantly increased.
The Gowanus Bat Cave
What could make a better zombie retreat than an abandoned 1896 powerhouse on the banks of the Gowanus Canal? One of Brooklyn’s most iconic eyesores, this industrial hulk is across the street from Whole Foods, making it easy to meet the CDC’s recommendation to stock up on nonperishables in your emergency kit. With plenty of visibility and isolation, the most major concern about shacking up in the Gowanus Batcave is that it is the likely site of a Revolutionary War burial ground, meaning the building’s foundation may be compromised if bodies arise beneath it.
The Red Hook Grain Terminal
Another forsaken industrial relic, the Red Hook Grain Terminal offers stunning waterfront views brimming with local history. Lurking behind IKEA, the grain elevator was built in 1922 and is sturdier than a bomb shelter. Despite significant decay, the lack of stairs actually makes the structure significantly safer for hideout purposes. And the 120 cement silos provide wonderfully spacious protection for friends and family.
Williamsburgh Savings Bank Clock Tower
Once Brooklyn’s tallest building, the Williamsburgh Savings Bank Tower is next to none in terms of visibility for incumbent zombie gangs. Luxury condos in this clock tower routinely sell for over a million dollars, but once all the residents have been infected you can have this stunning Byzantine-Romanesque style landmark all to yourself. A ground-floor vault from the building’s banking days would provide marvelous shelter if zombies invade the building.
Sunset Park Police Precinct Station
Formerly the 68th Precinct Station, this castle-like police station house has been in shambles since its 1970 closure. Still, the building’s overgrown, decrepit state and perimeter scaffolding will serve as fine zombie impediments. Fire-ravaged and crumbling, the building has already withstood its own apocalypse — all the better reason it can weather through another. If zombies prove to be the law-respecting type, perhaps they’ll even maintain some respect for this former home of New York’s finest.
Hopefully the Navy Yard will have done something with the crumbling Admiral’s Row before zombies invade. If not, the strip of 10 Second-Empire homes in the Brooklyn Navy Yard will serve as fantastic kindling for the delusions of grandeur you’ll likely be having as you slowly go mad in a world where your friends want you only for your brain. While the homes’ location far from the subway was once an inconvenience, it actually serves as a plus now that the tunnels are teeming with the undead.
160 Imlay Street
A former New York Dock Company warehouse, 160 Imlay is a six-story shipping warehouse being developed into residential apartments. With regimented shafts and its positioning at the edge of Red Hook, the aging storehouse offers ideal visibility and multiple escape routes. The goliath may or may not have been converted and occupied by the time zombies invade, but either way it is stolid and near the water.
The Wonder Wheel
Depleted calcium stores mean the average zombie is going to have great difficulty climbing to your safehouse in one of the Wonder Wheel cars. Swinging or stationary doesn’t matter so much as that the Wheel has had no major accidents since its construction, meaning equipment breakdown is at least less likely than infection. For Coney Island lovers, now you never have to get off the ride.
Photo via Wikipedia
While this list constitutes a thorough guide to Brooklyn’s best hideout locations, Brownstoner’s best advice for you in case of zombie apocalypse is to get the hell out of New York.
If you are unable to occupy any of these locations due to a zombie broker not giving you a lease, or the building already being lived in by a horde of armed Brownstoner readers who got there first, we recommend you avoid the following places at all costs while finding an alternative hideout: The L Train (undoubtedly will be brimming with hipster zombie transplants), Green-Wood Cemetery and Williamsburg — a booming real estate market doesn’t necessarily end just because humanity ceases to exist.
[Photos: Hannah Frishberg]