You May Ask Yourself, My God What Have I Done
Most of us who have scraped and finnagled our way into our brownstones know the feeling of awe that sets in that first time you’re alone in your house and you think, “Holy Shit!” Colin Harrison describes that moment 20-odd years ago in his essay this week in New York Magazine: We moved into our…
Most of us who have scraped and finnagled our way into our brownstones know the feeling of awe that sets in that first time you’re alone in your house and you think, “Holy Shit!” Colin Harrison describes that moment 20-odd years ago in his essay this week in New York Magazine:
We moved into our Brooklyn house, a big creaking brownstone in Park Slope. Four floors. Seven bedrooms, three baths. Seven mantels. Walnut detail throughout, never painted. Sure, it needed a little work: They all do. We were deliriously excited. This was our house now? In the hours just after the closing, my wife and I lay on the dusty parquet floor of the empty living room gazing up at the impossibly high ceilings. How would we fill this big house? How would we populate it? What life would we live that otherwise would never occur?
The Deal We Made [NY Magazine]
You may ask yourself: why such a big suit?
Funny thing is nana would not have lasted a week in the house of any of the judgemental posters above. They would have been all over the snarky old woman for her lack of compassion of others.
I agree with Roz. Have any of you holier-than-thous been to a nursing home? Have you witnessed the end of life? Yes, there are better places and worse places (and I didn’t get the sense they picked a bad place per se), but in the end when the body is giving out there is not much you can do except try to make people comfortable. The bit about the women tied into their wheelchairs so they don’t fall out was a vivid and, yes, upsetting detail, but it was honest. You think a home nurse or a fancier hospital would have magically kept her from falling out of her wheelchair? Sorry. The real alternative would be just leaving her in bed 24 hours a day. The truth is people die. And no amount of home equity will save you from the fact that it is messy and gritty and sad.
I think we need to speak much more honestly (as individuals, as as a community, as a country) about aging and end-of-life issues. Sooner or later this will affecct everyone.
“To put it plainly, the people Nana communed with on a regular basis usually expected a check for their services.”
oh and we didn’t…
“Nana won’t go into a nursing home.†My wife shook her head at the horror of the idea. “And I don’t want to put her into one.â€
we’ll have her come live with us instead, in our new brownstone that she’s paying for…
“As the weeks tumbled by, my wife and I sliding along, dumbed by exhaustion, Nana required ever more care.”
but who has the money for a home health aide?
“Her heart was failing, and she might live another six months. This meant that she would either die at home, or she would not.”
six months to go…
“I began to look into what a nursing home might cost.”
look out, Nana…
“We placed her in the nearest nursing home we could find, a hulking institution about a mile from our house in a bad neighborhood. ”
why should we be inconvenienced…
“slumped over in her wheelchair, tied up in order that she not fall out,”
after all she was getting such great care…
“My wife and I made the decisions, we signed the forms. Do not resuscitate, do not tube-feed.”
let’s make this snappy, we already took all her money…
“And we had a big, warm house that was made, we realized now, for a family.”
~The End~
I guess I read a different article. An article that describes in a heartbreakingly honest way what goes into preserving and creating family. An article that also shows two people caring for Nana with great emotional and physical tenderness. What tin ears some of the posts above reveal and how brutally quick to judge they are. Let’s take a roll call and see who’s left standing in the moral high-ground stakes. First, all those who have never feed, bathed, carried, kissed, shone a flash light up the nose of and otherwise reassured a frail elderly woman, please fall out. Next, recuse yourself if you based any part of your decision to buy a house or have a baby on accomodating the needs of another family member — even if those needs also benefitted you. Finally, anyone who has ever received an inheritance is obviously morally tainted in perpetuity. Hands up, who’s left. Hello, I can’t see any hands. Hello again, is anybody there?
…for 16 months
If they would have housed her for a few years, until her death, then cool. But he said they had the baby 9 mos later and Nana had to move out when crawling baby ate from the catfood bowl (as if that was Nana’s fault or even a big deal). That child was still awfully young
Nana selling her house is what allowed them to house her.
Let’s add to that last question: did any of you ever offer to take care of your parents or grandparents, but only if they’d sell their house and give the money to you?
Let those who are without sins cast the first stone. Did any of you take care of your grandparents or even your parents ?