Open Thread

They’re laying eggs on that sofa you sleep on, *rob*.

After the whole making fun of your own culture/race discussion yesterday, here is some Jewish humor for all of you this morning…….

The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

“This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We’re officially declaring war on you!”

“How big is your army?” the president asked.

“There’s me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!”

“I have a million in my army,” said the president.

“I’ll call back!” said Mendel.

The next day, he called. “The war’s still on!” We have now a bulldozer, and Goldblatt’s tractor.”

“I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.”

“Oy gevalt!”, said Mendel. “I’ll call back.”

He phoned the next day. “We’re calling off the war.”

“Why?”, asked the president.

“Well,” said Mendel, “we’ve all had a little chat, and there’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?” The wise old Rabbi answers: “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”

Jewish Marriage advice “Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?”

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”
“No Morris, a man should not profit from another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi.
“Are you sure Rabbi?”
“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive” exclaimed the Rabbi.
” Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Hi CGar, I feel better about life now that you you’ve said hi. You have been showering all your time and affection on those OTHER women.

I went to a presentation last night near Rock Center and had a ridiculous time getting there and when it was over I had a couple of panicky calls from family and friends. I had no idea how bad it was elsewhere. I went immediately to look at the giant backyard tree which was fine and the sidewalk tree lost a big branch, but that was it.

Hi donatella! 😉

“PS, CH, BedSty look pretty hammered”

When AREN’T the PLUSAs in PS, CH and BedStuy pretty hammered???

Morning, Dave, lmao. Not TOUCHING that post.

Morning, Arkady. I think you’re responsible for repairing the Bluestone unfortch. Did you lose a Maple in the garden or did it turn out to be okay?