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  1. He’s trying to climb through the mail slot now.

    Snappy, as soon as one of my carrier pigeons gets back I’ll go up on the roof strap him to one of their legs and he’ll be back in a flash.

  2. “Biff, your 2pm full body wax is confirmed.”

    I plan on getting a full body tattoo of myself. Only slightly larger.

    [disclaimer: totally rippod off from stephen wright]

  3. “chicken, to be frank I think you only 63% get it.”

    I just ate a frank (100% of it) and a potato knish from a street vendor. Please check on me in 20 minutes for vital signs. If any such signs are present, that would be a first.

  4. I’ll be using cat fur to design a cryptic message to all you kitty owners out there. But, you’ll have to swing by my house to see it…fur doesn’t travel well.

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