Stress! Couple Issues!
I know this isn’t a lovelorn forum, but a friend who is actually a RE agent mentioned that home-buying is one of life’s biggest stressors. Makes sense to me, considering the magnitude of the decision and its consequences. Well, here’s the nut, as in kernel. I am prepared to invest some time in exploring whether…
I know this isn’t a lovelorn forum, but a friend who is actually a RE agent mentioned that home-buying is one of life’s biggest stressors. Makes sense to me, considering the magnitude of the decision and its consequences. Well, here’s the nut, as in kernel. I am prepared to invest some time in exploring whether renovating a house we saw and liked makes sense. (Said house needs major work, including beam repair.)I have in mind a series of steps that I believe would yield adequate information to make a yay or nay decision. But of course I understand that when undertaking something like this, there are always unknowns and potential nasty surprises along the way — still. It is this I think that so fully freaks my beloved. He seems to think it will be a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare. An expensive never-ending nightmare. Honestly when I try to talk to him about it, he denies the feelings/reaction I am attempting to describe. He says he just wants me and our “kids” to be happy. Honestly, I think I can get enough information to decide whether doing this is a good idea or not. I know that is a lot of information that falls into a number of categories. I also think that if I conclude the renovation is a good idea, that I can handle dealing with the professionals needed–architect, contractors, etc. But — my beloved’s terror has spread to me. What if it does go terribly wrong? It will be my fault because he was the reluctant one.
Any family counseling advice welcome!
if you are seriously interested in couples counseling, you can email me and i’d be happy to refer you to a few couples counselors i know who are really amazing and skilled.
bodhibrooklyn @ gmail.com
good luck to you whatever you decide!
While my husband was more ambivalent than outright against a house purchase, I really drove most of the desire to buy. I’m not sure what arrangement you guys have, but since I was the really motivated person and my husband was a reluctant passenger, I financed the entire purchase AND renovation, and our expectation is that he can and does help out once in a while, but this is my house, and I’m responsible for it. In return, husband’s name does not appear on any of the paperwork; it is my property, so is my responsibility.
Clearly defining expectations did help, but renovating was and still is very stressful. We went through a gut kitchen and bath renovation, and as a lifelong renter, I had no idea what I was getting into. In the end, it was stressful, but now I have the kitchen and bathroom that I wanted.
If you’re worried about getting in over your head, my advice is to make sure you have plenty of contingency funds to deal with emergencies and unforseen issues. You can make almost every problem go away by hiring someone who knows what they are doing and throwing money at it. Obviously, I’m not advocating for just throwing fistfuls of cash around, but the biggest stresses we’ve faced in our year of owning a real fixer-upper was when we tried to do things ourselves. I was GC for our kitchen and bath gut, and have now learned the real value of professionals who just don’t try to do this in their spare time after they finish their real jobs. I can almost guarantee that you will never come across a problem that someone hasn’t seen before and doesn’t know how to fix. It might be new to you, but you will be able to find someone to help. Homeownership is not that scary! (this coming from the person who called every friend in my cellphone in panic when water started pouring into my basement last year — one of my friends talked me off the ledge, referred me to a great basement guy, and he explained exactly how to fix our issue).
A lot of good advice above.
I just want to say that as I read your post, it seems to me that your main issue as a couple has nothing to do with house buying. The house issue is just the vehicle where your issues are coming up.
On the one hand, you really want to do a renovation. He expresses that he sees it as a nightmare. You sense that he is actually freaking out. (I’m not saying you aren’t right – you may be.) But then he doesn’t want to talk about that sense, just says he wants you to be happy.
This dynamic is not good for going into any stressful situation – the house issue is completely immaterial. You can choose to not test it now by not buying a house to renovate, but that doesn’t change the communications dynamic you two have. You need to work on that, in counseling, get him to discuss his freaking out feeling (if it is indeed that.) If it isn’t that, but rather that he just really doesn’t want to do it, and is talking about nightmares as a way of trying to talk you out of it (much as I sense that part of the reason you are posting here is in an attempt to possibly gather ammunition for your belief that it can be done even with a reluctant partner, though I recognize that you also have some different motives in there as well, trying to figure out what to do), then you need to work out together your joint decision of what is the best way to approach this housing issue and how you want to spend the next few years.
You recognize that he doesn’t want to do it, and are willing to shoulder the task yourself. But it isn’t possible that he won’t be affected by the stresses you will surely undergo in the process of renovating (this would be true even if he never set foot in a house you were buying and renovating yourself and you were doing it as a total surprise – your stress will affect your husband, just like your doing any really stressful job would affect him.)
So, I think the advice is that you need to do it as a couple is sound. And as a couple that has better communications than you currently have – the feelings you have, for instance, that have you posting this asking strangers, rather than being able to work it out where it belongs, with him. I sense your frustration, I’m not being judgmental here, we all have frustrations with partners.
But, you have to work with what you have. Yes, just buying a home is stressful, even if it needs no renovation. You seem to want to buy a house. Perhaps you should buy something that doesn’t need extensive renovation, just some updating. Then you can together take on a project at a time, even if you do the overseeing of the work, and see how it affects you as a couple, see how well you get through it. Yes, you are going to say it costs too much for this sort of house, but it can be a large apartment first, or a house in a less expensive neighborhood.
Really, people should think seriously about what they are getting into. Yes, you want to renovate a house. But your partnership is likely at this point more important to you, no? If not, split before you do the renovation – don’t let it be the cause. That sounds harsh – it isn’t meant to be. (Since your kids are in quotes, I’m assuming they are either theoretical kids, or pets, likely pets – I’d give different advice if there were kids.)
I say this because I’m surprised by the “I”s in your post -“I’m am prepared to invest some time; I have in mind a series of steps; if I conclude this renovation is a good idea…I can handle dealing with the professionals…” While I’m not one who thinks couples stop being “I”s when coupled, and that it is very healthy to maintain a big dose of your own I-ness in the world, I think it is misplaced when talking about taking on what you are taking on jointly here. I wouldn’t want to be the partner of the person writing this “I” post about buying and renovating a home together.
So, get yourselves to counseling. You have the typical set of perfectly matched communications issues. He either freaks and doesn’t talk about the feelings, or uses nightmare descriptions to try to talk you out of something, while saying he just wants you to be happy. You want him to go along with doing something majorly life-altering with you that he’s not comfortable doing, for whichever reason, freaking out or some completely other reason (doesn’t want to spend his time and attention dealing with all a renovation entails, maybe?), and yet you are wanting to get him to say “yes” by saying you’ll do the work, as if it won’t affect him, when you have to admit, if you are being honest, that a renovation will affect him too. And, by this joint dynamic, you are being made to feel like if he does say yes, and it is a nightmare, that it will be seen (by either or both of you) to be your fault. That isn’t fair to you. Especially because there will be nightmares – that’s part of the process, as spelled out by others who have gone though it above. If you go into it together, it should be together.
Buying and renovating a house is incredibly stressful. I grew up in a Cobble Hill Brownstone in the 70s (before Cobble Hill was Cobble Hill and was just South Brooklyn). My dad and his friends did most of the work themselves, and I honestly think it was one of the causes of the eventual end of my parents’ marriage.
That said, on our 5th wedding anniversary, my husband and I are moving into a house we bought and had a major renovation done to. This is the culmination of over a year of real estate stresses, starting with the sale of my mother’s apartment after her death, to the listing and sale of our apartment, to the exhausting and sometimes disappointing search for our house, to troubles with getting a mortgage, to delays in closings, to finding and hiring a contractor, to juggling money and loans and shopping for all of the tile and fixtures and appliances, to living with my in-laws on Long Island for three months until the renovation is completed enough for us to move in.
I don’t think we could have done this without having a strong marriage and great communication about what we wanted and needed. Before this adventure, we never fought or raised our voices at each other. This whole thing caused so much stress that we found ourselves yelling at each other a lot. We mostly fought about feelings: mine that I was doing everything without help and his that he wasn’t being included and his opinions didn’t count. Of course, we got through it. I’m sure it helped that we’re both very self-aware and have had a zillion years of therapy between the both of us.
There’s nothing in the world like owning and renovating your own home to be exactly the way you want it. But, it’s incredibly stressful, and yes, as the person who was in charge of this renovation, I’m afraid sometimes that if something doesn’t work out, it’s my fault. But whatever–we can fix it. But there is no way I would have embarked on this without my husband’s 100 percent support. Admittedly, I had much more experience with renovations because of my upbringing, and my husband was willing to trust me. And we talked and talked and talked extensively about what we wanted. So if you have a good relationship with your partner, and are very clear on going in about what the possible costs and outcome are going to be, then you should consider it.
I vote no, if he is so opposed.
This isn’t like asking him to go on vacation to someplace not first on his list. Renovating seems fun on TV, but it is a hobby with extensive hours. It really isn’t something you can just try to see if you like it.
You must take your spouse’s feelings seriously. Not in the sense that he is likely to be right that it will be a nightmare but that this is a project he would not take on himself. He’s more risk averse or doesn’t have the same vision for the place or doesn’t place the same value on various aspects of the home. People do divorce over this, both renovations and the ongoing work of homeownership. Some people just don’t see the point. Lots of my friends, both men and women, visited during my renovation and said, “wow, we’d never want to take this on.”
The problem is, there will be times during your renovation when you will be at your wits end: frustrated, panicked about finances (even if everything ultimately works out well), choosing among bad options with a contractor who isn’t working out. The problem for you is at these times your husband may have a hard time feeling sympathetic and optimistic. He may go into panic mode and blame mode himself.
Doing all the work yourself is not enough. You need to make sure he gets to the point where he thinks it was the right decision to do the project, not just withholding judgment for your sake. Oh and make sure you have a huge budget for cost overruns because that is the most stressful part and virtually any construction problem can be solved with money (even delays can be waited out if you can rent elsewhere, continue paying the contractors, store your stuff, etc).
My dad is an OCD tinkerer/perfectionist. My husband is a creative ADD type. While I had my dad’s habits in mind when we bought our house, my husband’s “start 20 projects and partly finish 1 of them ten years later” style had the potential to become trouble between us.
I adjusted my expectations, took over tracking the finances and made sure we always had a great cleaning lady. We’re happy. Nothing is perfect, but who cares?
Just make sure your spouse knows he/she won’t be personally responsible for completing every project you have in mind.
Good luck!
Let no one tell you renovating isn’t hugely stressful. But places like brownstoner ease the pain by offering resources/advice and a place to bitch. I’m from the UK and grew up in a 17th-19th century house, part of which had no foundations, so the wretched condition of the house we bought didn’t worry me too much. But my partner is from California and I had to drag her kicking and screaming into brownstone ownership.
I do suggest you think really hard about your budget and make sure you’re in agreement about that. It’s one thing to freak out over some of the misadventures along the way though, as Gideon says, even a flooded basement isn’t the end of the world. It’s quite another to undertake a project you can’t afford. And maybe consider short-term couples therapy with the express aim of improving your communication and conflict resolution skills. Some will laugh but it could be the best $500 you’ll ever spend!
IMHO, Unless you are both on the same page, a mayor renovation could be very, very stressful for a couple.
That said, if you can fulfill all Silvermax’s requirements listed above, you will be fine.
good luck